should i have gotten a business degree...

i think i figured out this week why i love wild places. the colorado rocky mountains. the sipi falls of uganda. i always seem to be drawn to these sorts of powerful places. and i think i can say why. landscapes like these move entirely independently of me. the wind in the trees, the rush of waterfalls and rivers, the speed of a storm coming over the mountains. the force of nature in wild places, big, strong, untouched places, moves and breathes with speed i could never catch. i could never control. it makes my finger tips tingle! it makes me want to curl up in its shadow and be small. be unseen in the presence of something so untamed. it makes me want to be a bit more invisible. which is unexpected considering my preoccupation with the conundrum of anonymity.

i've never quite sorted out what would be worse: going out in a blaze of glory while leaving a world of possibility behind, or dying alone where no one knows you are. there are days when my worst fear is being unimportant to any other life. those are the days i feel paralyzed by insignificance. but then there are days, more frequent it seems when surrounded by east africa, that i find peace and rare and precious rest in the prospect of being still and small. walking through life quietly. i don't want to be a big deal. i want to own a used bookstore.

and i'll tell you, there is no more powerful feeling of anonymity in the world than your five-foot five-inch self standing in the spray of a 175 foot waterfall.

there are lovely landscapes here. and this is a lovely home. and the weather around here has been really lovely too these days! it feels like fall all over the place. which is odd considering uganda doesn't really have a fall. or any variation of seasons to be honest. but for whatever reason, it's been breezy and cool. this has been nothing more than a nice change for pace for me these days. but... i remember when fall weather was a lot more than that.

i remember when breezes and bundling up made me think of leaves and pumpkins. which made me think of fireplaces and hot chocolate. which made me think of christmas trees, cooked turkeys and the gospel of luke. which made me think of no school for weeks! because i used to schedule my life by the seasons. i used to map out my days by holiday vacations. and if i try really hard, i can remember why. i can remember how three weeks at home in a christmas sweater could justify months at a school desk. i can remember how the three months between school years was actually what life was. september to may were just obstacles. obstacles in the way of what was actually important. ant hills and butterfly wings. ice cream trucks and bathing suits, sprinklers and bike rides, marigolds and fireworks. all the rest of it was just traffic lights.

but then traffic stopped. and now i'm in a world where there are no seasons. i don't spend my mondays waiting for friday. i don't wait at the window listening for the ice cream man. i don't spend my mornings and my lunch hours watching the clock. well... not always. my days aren't determined by the coming holiday. i don't get to count down to kid things anymore. my calendar is marked with pay days and paying debts. i still look forward to good things. to my family coming to africa (eek!). to the sundays i spend eating brunch with amos. to the days i finish a book and get to pick up an new one. but what kid measures their days by dog-eared pages in a novel?

i guess i'm not a kid.

but i guess i can try. i can eat ice cream. i can run through a sprinkler. i can be small. i can be still. i can be a bit more invisible. in the corner of my used bookstore.